Above and beyond

I sit alone. The glow of the computer provides me with companion, and I spend another night, alone, useless and unfulfilled. I don't know why this seems to be the path I take, the path I make for myself, when in reality I want more then this. Even if I don't feel like I deserve it. But I know the path there is mine to take, and mine to make. I have to change myself to get there.

But that's what I want to know? Can I?

Because I did, for a while, but I came back here, back to the computer, to the solace of the internet. Is this just who I am? Is my personality what defines and confines me to this lifestyle? Or will it all change, I just need times to change and my situation to change, I need goals, real things to achieve, to actually do something in life.

But if I know these things, why haven't I tried for them? Why have I not achieved them? What's stopping me? The obvious answer is myself. I'm stopping me. So should I then hate myself, and in turn use that as the reason to my actions. At what point is the circle broken, the self hatred, the pain, When does new life begin?

Of course, I don't expect anyone to answer these question. It's just late at night, and I am being too philosophical. And tomorrow, I will find false hope in the morning, I will tell myself to be happy, for myself, for the people around me.

Because life is truly pointless when you have no hope.

Sundais

Today is sunday.
I was meant to go to set building but I slept in. Instead, I'll be going at about 1.30 for rehersals.
Costumes today, Can't wait.
I am kind of apprehensive about walking around with my chest exposed. But, Ill get used to it. It'll just be like the beach I guess.

For those reading who don't know, the rehersals I'm talking about are for Aladdin, (which everyone should come see) it should be a great show.

This post is pretty dam pointless!
OH! And this is also my hundred and first post, I hit 100 with my last post, which is something I guess :D

talk later sexies.
Reggie

Presents for cleaning

Mum got me presents because she went shopping, as long as i cleaned my room a bit, i cleaned my room a bit and here are the presents :D

Completely fingerless gloves (not what I really meant when I said fingerless gloves to her, but they'll do :D)
And some headphones that are pretty awesome. Great quaility.

Pretty happy.

On the other hand, I'm kinda sad because people I know aren't so happy. And i want them to be. They know who they are.

State of my life

Subject: Tyler William Morrisson
Classification: Grade L School Student
Report Type: General Examination of Subject

Report Date: Thursday July 12th, 8:46pm

Subject seems dejected, he has spent most of today sleeping, and did not attend his place of education. He has spent his night playing computer games and downloading and setting up The Sims Medieval on another PC. He has yet to play said game. Subject bathed for a considerable amount of time at approx. 7:18pm.
Recently, He has stopped taking Chemistry at his place of Education, which has left him with three spare which the Subject seems to enjoy. He is almost finished his final year of schooling. of recent subject has deleted or deactivated all of his social networking accounts, in order to remove pointless distraction from his life. This has been partially successful, however he is experiencing periods of social exclusion due to this. He has expressed desires to socialize, such desires have not yet been realized, excluding his bi-weekly rehearsals of the Musical Aladdin, which he is enjoying. His social situation should improve on Saturday night, as he has been invited to a "shindig" being organized by one Morgan, a friend of a friend of the subject's. Subject has also been earning monetary tokens, by working at a local news agency, slowing killing people by selling them packets of death. He enjoys the company of his colleagues there, and his next working shift will occur at 5:15pm for 4 hours, tomorrow the 13th of July. These are the current social, economical and mental states of the subject. Physically, he is also healthy.

End report Time: 9:05

Reginald Barris M.D

Apparently all my friends forgot how to text.

A bunch of my friends went to the movies last night. my friends who I haven't seen a single one of over the holidays.

All because I don't have Facebook.

I deleted Facebook because it's absolute shit. It was ruining my life, taking up my time and everything on there was just shit.

But now, because of that, all my friends must things I'm just socially unavailable, and therefore nobody text Tyler, despite the fact that all of you have Facebook.

And here I am, bitching like someone would on Facebook, about how shit Facebook is.

Oh the ironing.

Sleeping Patterns.

What in all honesty, motherfucking shit balls kents. Is wrong with me?

IT IS 3am AND I AM AWAKE. I HAVE BEEN FOR SO LONG. I HAD A GREAT NIGHT TOO, WHY DIDNT I JUST SLEEP.
I HAVE WORK TOMORROW. AND SCHOOL
WHAT THE FUCK ME.

Of Homes and Hate

When we moved houses (from Hunter Street, to my grandmothers, where I am now) I told Mum that one of the few reasons I was happy we were moving was that all the old house felt to me was full of hate because of everything that happened there.

She got angry at me and told me she didn't feel that way, that it was amazing home and we had a great time there.

But as I figured out this morning, she was right. That home wasn't filled with hate. I am. The world is purely based on how you perceive it. This morning I felt the same way I did at that house. But I wasn't there. It was just me.

And truthfully, I have no idea how I feel about that.

Cmat.

So, right now I'm about to go to food works to get a Jones soda and I feel weird. Different weird to the last time I said I felt weird. It's mostly because even after promising myself I'd do good this year, I procrastinated all day and haven't done my draft yet.
I'm an idiot.
Getting the Jones will just be more procrastinating, but.. I think I can handle that.

Just thought I'd post this quick blog about that. I felt like it.
Tyler.

Promised blog: A brother moved

So, this as a few of you may have guess is the first topic of the two blogs I promised you.

My twin brother Aden, moving out of home.

At first, I had no feelings towards it. To me, it seemed normal, just something that would happen. But, as time moved on it slowly hit me how much of an effect it happening would have on me. The weekend he moved out was the high point of this, when my mother and brother went to Sydney. Because he worked Saturday and went out Friday night I found myself alone a lot of the weekend. It was during this time that the smallest things, on top of my general loneliness being in an empty house would set me off really upset. I found myself crying a lot. IT all moved very slowly.

The times when I saw him that weekend, we got on really well, which made it even more difficult. Because I knew it was that I was losing. He moved out on the Sunday, but came back on Sunday and Monday night to spend time with me. Which was really sweet, and did make me generally happy. On the Monday night, Ethan and Mum got home. When Aden told her he had moved out, she reacted.. less then well. A lot less. That night I went to bed at 2am.

After that there was a period of stress, when Aden had to get the last of his stuff.
Another fight.
Then it was all over, the storm had passed but, as with all storms there was still the wreckage left behind to contend with. I haven't gone in his room for over a week, since he moved out really. It makes me sad to see it, empty like that. I am slowly getting used to it though.
He asked me how I felt about it. That's when I figured I should figure out how I did feel. What I said was this:
"Mixed feelings. I feel it will be absolutely awesome for you in a lot of ways. But I'm a bit sad that you are moving out and I feel you are disadvantaging yourself financially. And that you're trading being happy about where you live for a lot of small things you'll miss"
Yes, I really answered like that. Cold and factual.
I didn't tell him how much I'd miss him, or how I'll be by myself most nights when everyone is doing their own thing and ignoring me. And how he was the only one who actually spoke to me. I didn't tell him how I didn't want him to go. I didn't tell him that it was a terrible idea and he shouldn't do it (not that I thought this).
Because that's not my place.
It is his decision and I didn't want to influence that.
But Aden, if  you read this, I miss you.

Now the only time I see him is at school where he's only ever the person that everyone sees. Which makes me sad I guess. Makes me feel like now I'm just another person who he is occasionally a dick too. Just another person in the group. Not how he was at home. Because it is his home too. No matter what Mum says.

Another I noticed is the way rumors spread throughout Bundaberg about it. Mum asking a lot of people their opinions on it didn't really help. But for a few days there it seemed like every single person I spoke to wanted to ask me about it. Did it happen, how I feel, and then tell me their opinions. Like it was their business. I even got a teacher asking me about it. Stupid Bundaberg and it's rumors.

Well there.
Now if anyone wants to know how I feel about it. They can come here.
R. Barris.

Weird feeling

I can't be the only one who gets this weird feeling.
One that washes over your body and takes hold of you mind and mood.
Where tiredness, sadness, apathy, longing, nostalgia and everything else just collides and leaves in it's wake a feeling that I describe only as "I feel really weird" When what it really feels like is nothing, just a wash of nothing because you care too much, but are tired of caring at all. Sort of Supernova meets Black hole kinda of scenario. when all your emotions smash together and leaves you with nothing left behind but emptiness.

There's so many things I want right now. So many things I'd say I need. But it's all futile because of my surroundings.
God I sound so depressed.
I'm not even sure if I am or not. I don't want to be, I don't really feel it. Just sad.
My posts are never positive anymore. This isn't what this blog was supposed to be. But I suppose it was about my life. Is about my life. The Tales from Under my Bed.

Funny that that's the title I picked. Quite a bit of symbolism in there if you think about it. But you won't. Because not even I can be bothered sorting it out. Maybe later.

Writing seems to have helped this mood a bit.
I just realized there's two things I should blog about that might be less or more depressing. Let you into more of my life then just my mind.

I promise you, My maybe, I don't really know if you actually read this readers. That I will blog them. One tomorrow, one Wednesday.

For now, that's all.
Thanks, if you read this.
Reginald B.

Who would ever wanna be king?

You what's absolutely lovely?
Friends.
You know what I seem to be losing at an alarming rate?
See answer above.

I don't know why, or what's wrong with me, but it's happened again. It used to be so good, We would all sit around, makes jokes, laugh be funny, bounce insults off each other. But now J! has left, found more interesting friends, or started liking a guy which is great for her and I am happy for her. But it's my fault she left, because of "the way we'd been treating her" I was told I should talk to her about it, but I don't really want to be told how shit I am.
And then, today I was informed that I was not on the list of three people that another of my "friends" actually like. And that they deleted a comment I made just because I made it. Which just makes a guy feel amazing. Add this on top of all the other shit going on in my life, like having to move houses, and Aden moving out.
It's just whoopdydoo fantastic.
/sarcasm

I used to rule that group, not literally but I'd make jokes and people would laugh and people would like me. They'd want to hang around me, or organize stuff and invite me, they'd tell me stuff. Now I'm just that one guy who's mostly a dick and everyone has someone more important to talk too.
The list of people I am close to is now on like, two.
One of which is my girlfriend. So yep. One close friend. It's such a lovely feeling.

I wish I had a best friend. I don't want to feel lonely.
Friendhangz would be good right now... they always would..

Reggie.

Mood <-> Doom

It's funny how those few small things can change your mood.

No hug.
"Oh ok. that's fine."
Being told off for not doing anything.
Being passed off.
Watching people have fun while you do nothing.
Realization of decaying relationships.
Homework.

I just.. This year is meant to be MY year. The year I take control of. And do better at school and just. Do better in life. Not the year that I start of 5 days in feeling like I did in grade 9, The year I stay up late because I know when I sleep school comes sooner.
I've failed already. Two lots of homework. failed. I'm such an idiot, I told myself I'd keep on top of everything. And I haven't. Two lots, mean't to be done. And my mood is gone. My spirit is gone, the fire, energy, drive. call it what you want.
It's all Melancholy and apathy now.
Everything is just shit and you don't care. Have you ever felt this way? I told myself that I would get better, at these blogs posts, that they'd be happier.
But it's not.
Because these are my innermost thoughts, and when my innermost thoughts aren't happy. How can I be?

I'm so weird.

The Morrissons - A Theatre of Cruelty performance.

So, tonight I decided my family would make a great theater of cruelty performance to shock people into being better families.

For those of you who don't do drama, a Theater of Cruelty performance is designed to expose the audience to scenes that they would never ever be exposed to in normal everyday life, in order to prevent them from ever doing said act. For example, A theatre of cruelty performance stopping people from murdering, would contains scenes of graphic murder, violence, accompanied by loud noises, screaming, flashes of light. It is not uncommon for people to leave or throw up during ToC performances.

So, for your viewing pleasure I give you, the Morrisson's, a ToC performance.

It would open with a normal dinner scene, say at a restaurant or pub. Or even at home at the dinner table. Everyone is agitated as they know what is coming. A family "talk" discussion, agenda, lsit. Whatever it's called, it's annoying. It starts civil, people try and keep the peace, things are discussed, everything gets agrivated when one of the brothers keep making dicky comments. People try and stop him, to which he gets agitated. etc etc Becomes a full blown agrument. People leave. Or they all leave if at a resturant, as they didn't want to get to loud. Argument moves to the care, or spread across the house. Becomes a screaming match. Choice phrases are "I've done nothing wrong" "you're never going to change" "Everyone treats me like a slave" "I'll respect you if you respect me" "Give me some respect"
It gets worse and worse, louder and louder. Throw in some drums because what the heck. Everyone is stressed. All characters class. Bring up old wounds. Turns into a bitch fight. Nothing is resolved. everyone breaks down in their own ways. Laughing, crying, silent, angry, and angrier.
Lights go out. All is silent. everyone wakes up in their beds, it's the following morning. Nothing else happens. Nothing to be done.

And by the end of it, lasting about oh, let's say 2 and a half hours, the audience are so shocked or disgusted at the behavior, or sad because they can relate to any on of them or the situation that they all go home and are better people because of it.

THAT WAY AT LEAST SOMETHING GOOD WOULD COME FROM ALL THIS BULLSHIT.

Night.
Reginald <3

Sorry.

I'm really sorry that my posts lately have been either really sort or just really really depressing. I wouldn't be surprised if none of you read any of them. I don't even know how many of you even come on blogger anymore.

But this post is likely not going to be any better, I'm in a shit mood, and I'm still shit, so here goes.

New years was great.
I'm back together with Zoee` for all of those who didn't know that we'd even broken up, we did, for like a week. After 2 months of barely talking. Some of you noticed that.
I'm still a mental wreck.
Zoee and I have been fighting, way too much. After three really great days then it went to shit.
I've figured some more about myself out.
It's a new year and grade 12 this year, which means I have to metaphorically ditch all my friends, and literally study all the time, sleep at 10-10:30 every night and keep myself very very strict on this. Which will be both great and absolute bullshit.
Goodbye social life.

That's about my life at the moment.
Thanks again for reading.
Reggie.