My depression might be coming back. To think, just tonight I was telling Zoee` about how I am fine. I didn't know it would sneak up on me like this. It's passing now. But I just felt sad. Purely sad. For no reason, I can't even explain it. Some of you might know what I am talking about I don't know.
I don't want it to happen again. I am happy. I am.
I know I am.
Then why do I feel like this sometimes?
Tonight was Bundaberg State High School's grade 12 formal. One of the final events my older brother attended to do with school before he graduates.
So my post will be about that, Prom/Formal. And Ethan Graduating.
First of all, I have posted on here before the way I feel about my older brother, but it was ages back, and some of you are new to reading my blog, so here it is again. I do love my older brother. But the way he behaves makes me feel like the is the most narcissistic, stuck up dick I've ever met. But he means well. And he's family, so I guess I can't hold it against him. He's graduating soon, and I don't know what his plans are, whether he's taking a gap year, or he's going straight to uni or what, but I do know that I'm scared I'm going to lose my brother. I always thought that when he left home it would be a happy occasion for two reasons. 1) He would be out of home. 2) He would actually value his family a bit more, and in a way, these things will happen. I'm going to miss him though. I hate to say it, and I never thought I would but I will miss him when he goes. Which is a weird thing, missing someone even though they can be a total dick. Guess it's a love hate thing yeah? Well Ethan, if you ever read this. Thanks for the times when you have been an awesome brother, and I do love you. I hope when you leave you'll still remember your brothers who annoy you oh so much.
Second topic, and I'll try make this short, as I realize this post is getting long and your eyes are getting tired. (maybe)
Prom/Formal - Next year.
So, my main thought is what to wear. I really really want to get a Victorian Era suit, and everyone's feedback on it has been really positive. The only downside is that it will cost $556.92 + shipping. But it would be so very worth it. I am unsure. I don't want to end up wearing a basic suit, I want to look suave, sophisticated, but I think I'll just end up looking like a dick. All depends on who I take I guess.
Which is the second thing, I want to take someone who will look fantastic, and in turn make me look fantastic,, and who will want to go to Prom with a guy in Victorian garb. Does it make me shallow if that's all I really want? The problem is I can't think of anyone who fits this.. Well, there is one person, and I have asked her, but she doesn't know whether she is going yet, so it's all iffy. *sigh*
Will I just end up as the guy in all the photos who everyone goes, wow, he looks like a dick? Or will people actual like like what I am wearing? I like to think I have some kind of style, and I've matched the clothes well. But is it enough? And what is wrong with me? I'm not one to care what people think. *sigh*
get it together Tyler.
Well, Thanks for ready this dull emotional drivel.
Reginald Muffin Morrisson
Second post, because I could find a way to make this congruous with the first.
Here's a question for you blogland, What is the meaning of life?
It's a question I haven't been able to shake lately, purely because as far as I can see, Life is absolutely irrevocably useless. But at the same time, I know it's not so.
I've juggled with a few ideas to see if that fit into what I am like, and I've taken these from what I've observed.
1. Meaning of life is to live it - No, just no.
2. 42 - Yes, but the question is nessecary to grasp this.
3. A personal goal - Be it to be a dancer, do well at school or anything like that, but this doesn't fit me, I'm too lazy and I hate myself for that.
4. Faith - A religious faith, belief in the afterlife, leads people to be good in life. I think you all know why this doesn't fit me.
5. Take each day as it comes - I've been doing this one for as long as I remember, but I am not content with it, there has to be more.
I met a guy online the other day, and I asked him if he'd found any meaning in life. He told me that it's not something you can ask, that you have to find meaning for yourself.
This is the smartest thin I've ever heard to do with it.
I don't know what it is or why I feel like this. It's a feeling that comes up in me lately, it's equal parts I hate myself and what the fuck am I doing. And it leaves me feeling inadequate in almost everything.
It's my fault really, I do things that piss myself off, But i can't help it, or I probably could, but I don't try hard enough, which is one of the things I hate. Actually, I'll try list them:
I hate when I am a dick to people. I try not to be.
I hate how lazy I am.
I hate two of the moods I get in.
I hate how argumentative I am.
I hate how apathetic I can be.
That's about it. And because of these things, I feel inadequate and melancholy. I hope it will go away.
P.S this was going to be a letter of how much of a massive cock you are being to my girlfriend, but I couldn't be fucked typing it all out when you won't see it, but one more step over the line and I will personally end you.
Today, turned out a lot better then I thought it would.
Here's the rollout.
First I woke up and I do the usual things, check Facebook, etc etc, chat to people.
Then I was informed we would be doing yardwork today.
I HATE yardwork.
So, I grumbled. More computer, help clean kitchen, wear morphsuit, do yard, be bored.
Then Jess asked if I wanted to hang, and this was a wonderful change of pace, noone ever asks me to just hang out with them. So she came over, and we chatted and laughed and it was a good hang. She ended up being here till around 11-12pm so I walked her home.
And here's where it got amazing.
I decided, heck I'm already out, I'll go walking, so I strolled around the neighborhoods for a while, then coming back up hunter street (shortly after I saw a cat I swear me and Julian met one time and dubbed Boone) I made a friend.
He crept up on me and scared me, a black cat. He had short hair at the front half his body, gradually getting faster as it goes backwards on his body. I named him Faustus.
He walked with me all the way home up my doorstep onto our porch, so I gave him some milk and made him a bed. I don't know if he is still there, or will be in the morning, but this cat was amazing, and made me unbelievably happy.
Also, I would like to thank Ramona Rose, she knows why. Also, The reason it may have seemed I never liked youm is because I was waiting to see what kind of person you were. You passed with flying colours.
Right now I am sitting in English, in T12 writing this on a laptop.
I just want to cry, or hurt something, but I can’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone, people don’t deserve that.
I feel like I am two people lately, a violent, angry cold, heartless boy, who just wants to hurt things so that they feel the pain that he does, so that he can break out, make others show emotion if he can’t.
Normal me, Tyler, Who just wants to live life have a good time, have friends, have fun, smile, and ignore all the pain.
What scares me is that I am that person less and less lately, being around people used to bring that out completely, and there’d be no trace of the other person. But now, it doesn’t even affect it. I just change in and out randomly, or semi-randomly, I don’t even know what causes it anymore. I hate the person I am.
I wonder how many people feel the same.
Probably quite a few, but for different reasons.
I was up late again last night, Doing nothing, at all, watching illusion videos, and then even when I stopped that, stopped my music. I just sat there, I couldn’t force myself to go to bed, I couldn’t do anything, I was overwhelmed. Mostly by the thought that everything is pointless, nothing I can ever do is worth anything, nothing anyone ever does is worth anything. And then hating myself because I think like this. Why can’t I be anyone else? Someone with a purpose, someone who sees a point in something. I realised I actually envy people who believe strongly in religion, because they have a purpose in life, they know what they are doing, and they are, for the most part, Happy.
But that’s the thing. So am I. I’m happy.
Now at this point you are thinking, well that’s a lie, because he sounds pretty fucked up to me.
But no, because I know I am happy, I feel happy, unless that’s fake too. And the reason I feel happy is because of what I believe in I have achieved, which is to not sweat the small things, think objectively, and be positive. And I do all that, and I’m happy because of it.
I guess that’s what makes me feel so split though. I am happy. But I hate myself. Funny combination right?
Well, that’s all my thoughts for now, I’m going to go back to waiting for the teacher to get up me for not having anything done on this assignment. Time to go cold heartless Tyler.
Thanks for reading this far, If you still are.