Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just... me?

Right now I am sitting in English, in T12 writing this on a laptop.
I just want to cry, or hurt something, but I can’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone, people don’t deserve that.
I feel like I am two people lately, a violent, angry cold, heartless boy, who just wants to hurt things so that they feel the pain that he does, so that he can break out, make others show emotion if he can’t.
And me.
Normal me, Tyler, Who just wants to live life have a good time, have friends, have fun, smile, and ignore all the pain.

What scares me is that I am that person less and less lately, being around people used to bring that out completely, and there’d be no trace of the other person. But now, it doesn’t even affect it. I just change in and out randomly, or semi-randomly, I don’t even know what causes it anymore. I hate the person I am.
I wonder how many people feel the same.
Probably quite a few, but for different reasons.

I was up late again last night, Doing nothing, at all, watching illusion videos, and then even when I stopped that, stopped my music. I just sat there, I couldn’t force myself to go to bed, I couldn’t do anything, I was overwhelmed. Mostly by the thought that everything is pointless, nothing I can ever do is worth anything, nothing anyone ever does is worth anything. And then hating myself because I think like this. Why can’t I be anyone else? Someone with a purpose, someone who sees a point in something. I realised I actually envy people who believe strongly in religion, because they have a purpose in life, they know what they are doing, and they are, for the most part, Happy.

But that’s the thing. So am I. I’m happy.
Now at this point you are thinking, well that’s a lie, because he sounds pretty fucked up to me.
But no, because I know I am happy, I feel happy, unless that’s fake too. And the reason I feel happy is because of what I believe in I have achieved, which is to not sweat the small things, think objectively, and be positive. And I do all that, and I’m happy because of it.

I guess that’s what makes me feel so split though. I am happy. But I hate myself. Funny combination right?
Well, that’s all my thoughts for now, I’m going to go back to waiting for the teacher to get up me for not having anything done on this assignment. Time to go cold heartless Tyler.

Thanks for reading this far, If you still are.

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