Monday, February 27, 2012


So, right now I'm about to go to food works to get a Jones soda and I feel weird. Different weird to the last time I said I felt weird. It's mostly because even after promising myself I'd do good this year, I procrastinated all day and haven't done my draft yet.
I'm an idiot.
Getting the Jones will just be more procrastinating, but.. I think I can handle that.

Just thought I'd post this quick blog about that. I felt like it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Promised blog: A brother moved

So, this as a few of you may have guess is the first topic of the two blogs I promised you.

My twin brother Aden, moving out of home.

At first, I had no feelings towards it. To me, it seemed normal, just something that would happen. But, as time moved on it slowly hit me how much of an effect it happening would have on me. The weekend he moved out was the high point of this, when my mother and brother went to Sydney. Because he worked Saturday and went out Friday night I found myself alone a lot of the weekend. It was during this time that the smallest things, on top of my general loneliness being in an empty house would set me off really upset. I found myself crying a lot. IT all moved very slowly.

The times when I saw him that weekend, we got on really well, which made it even more difficult. Because I knew it was that I was losing. He moved out on the Sunday, but came back on Sunday and Monday night to spend time with me. Which was really sweet, and did make me generally happy. On the Monday night, Ethan and Mum got home. When Aden told her he had moved out, she reacted.. less then well. A lot less. That night I went to bed at 2am.

After that there was a period of stress, when Aden had to get the last of his stuff.
Another fight.
Then it was all over, the storm had passed but, as with all storms there was still the wreckage left behind to contend with. I haven't gone in his room for over a week, since he moved out really. It makes me sad to see it, empty like that. I am slowly getting used to it though.
He asked me how I felt about it. That's when I figured I should figure out how I did feel. What I said was this:
"Mixed feelings. I feel it will be absolutely awesome for you in a lot of ways. But I'm a bit sad that you are moving out and I feel you are disadvantaging yourself financially. And that you're trading being happy about where you live for a lot of small things you'll miss"
Yes, I really answered like that. Cold and factual.
I didn't tell him how much I'd miss him, or how I'll be by myself most nights when everyone is doing their own thing and ignoring me. And how he was the only one who actually spoke to me. I didn't tell him how I didn't want him to go. I didn't tell him that it was a terrible idea and he shouldn't do it (not that I thought this).
Because that's not my place.
It is his decision and I didn't want to influence that.
But Aden, if  you read this, I miss you.

Now the only time I see him is at school where he's only ever the person that everyone sees. Which makes me sad I guess. Makes me feel like now I'm just another person who he is occasionally a dick too. Just another person in the group. Not how he was at home. Because it is his home too. No matter what Mum says.

Another I noticed is the way rumors spread throughout Bundaberg about it. Mum asking a lot of people their opinions on it didn't really help. But for a few days there it seemed like every single person I spoke to wanted to ask me about it. Did it happen, how I feel, and then tell me their opinions. Like it was their business. I even got a teacher asking me about it. Stupid Bundaberg and it's rumors.

Well there.
Now if anyone wants to know how I feel about it. They can come here.
R. Barris.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Weird feeling

I can't be the only one who gets this weird feeling.
One that washes over your body and takes hold of you mind and mood.
Where tiredness, sadness, apathy, longing, nostalgia and everything else just collides and leaves in it's wake a feeling that I describe only as "I feel really weird" When what it really feels like is nothing, just a wash of nothing because you care too much, but are tired of caring at all. Sort of Supernova meets Black hole kinda of scenario. when all your emotions smash together and leaves you with nothing left behind but emptiness.

There's so many things I want right now. So many things I'd say I need. But it's all futile because of my surroundings.
God I sound so depressed.
I'm not even sure if I am or not. I don't want to be, I don't really feel it. Just sad.
My posts are never positive anymore. This isn't what this blog was supposed to be. But I suppose it was about my life. Is about my life. The Tales from Under my Bed.

Funny that that's the title I picked. Quite a bit of symbolism in there if you think about it. But you won't. Because not even I can be bothered sorting it out. Maybe later.

Writing seems to have helped this mood a bit.
I just realized there's two things I should blog about that might be less or more depressing. Let you into more of my life then just my mind.

I promise you, My maybe, I don't really know if you actually read this readers. That I will blog them. One tomorrow, one Wednesday.

For now, that's all.
Thanks, if you read this.
Reginald B.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Who would ever wanna be king?

You what's absolutely lovely?
You know what I seem to be losing at an alarming rate?
See answer above.

I don't know why, or what's wrong with me, but it's happened again. It used to be so good, We would all sit around, makes jokes, laugh be funny, bounce insults off each other. But now J! has left, found more interesting friends, or started liking a guy which is great for her and I am happy for her. But it's my fault she left, because of "the way we'd been treating her" I was told I should talk to her about it, but I don't really want to be told how shit I am.
And then, today I was informed that I was not on the list of three people that another of my "friends" actually like. And that they deleted a comment I made just because I made it. Which just makes a guy feel amazing. Add this on top of all the other shit going on in my life, like having to move houses, and Aden moving out.
It's just whoopdydoo fantastic.

I used to rule that group, not literally but I'd make jokes and people would laugh and people would like me. They'd want to hang around me, or organize stuff and invite me, they'd tell me stuff. Now I'm just that one guy who's mostly a dick and everyone has someone more important to talk too.
The list of people I am close to is now on like, two.
One of which is my girlfriend. So yep. One close friend. It's such a lovely feeling.

I wish I had a best friend. I don't want to feel lonely.
Friendhangz would be good right now... they always would..


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mood <-> Doom

It's funny how those few small things can change your mood.

No hug.
"Oh ok. that's fine."
Being told off for not doing anything.
Being passed off.
Watching people have fun while you do nothing.
Realization of decaying relationships.

I just.. This year is meant to be MY year. The year I take control of. And do better at school and just. Do better in life. Not the year that I start of 5 days in feeling like I did in grade 9, The year I stay up late because I know when I sleep school comes sooner.
I've failed already. Two lots of homework. failed. I'm such an idiot, I told myself I'd keep on top of everything. And I haven't. Two lots, mean't to be done. And my mood is gone. My spirit is gone, the fire, energy, drive. call it what you want.
It's all Melancholy and apathy now.
Everything is just shit and you don't care. Have you ever felt this way? I told myself that I would get better, at these blogs posts, that they'd be happier.
But it's not.
Because these are my innermost thoughts, and when my innermost thoughts aren't happy. How can I be?

I'm so weird.